I was trying really hard to get myself to fall a sleep at a decent hour. The problem with not working is that it screws with my daily structured routine. Instead of sleeping at an earlier time at night so that I can get up at an earlier time in the morning, I end up burning the midnight oil, then wondering why it's so difficult to pull my ragged body out of the bed in the morning. But tonight, like so many night recently, I lay here tossing and turning and all alone with my relentless thoughts. Restless.
I've gotten really good at being able to deal with my inner voice and basically tell it to shut up, but these days it works in overdrive to try to remind me of every embarrassing and regretful thing I have done. Tonight is of no exception.
It jumps back and forth from: "why couldn't I have gotten this job? What did I do wrong? What did I do right?!" to "How are we going to afford to move? How are we going to pay our bills??"...
It used to be that one of the best ways I would deal with myself is to pull out my guitar or jump on my piano and sing my heart out or write out everything in lyrical form until I exhausted myself. Tonight, I have the capability to do neither. (I don't have a guitar or piano...and the lyrical words just don't seem to be coming to me) So, instead I pull up my computer and play those comfort songs from back in the day and sing my little restless heart out with the computer...Then write on here.
I don't care how long you have had practice, it is never easy to be alone with your own thoughts and feelings. It can bring you down, it can bring you up and tonight for me, it brings me looking for hope. I do believe there is a reason for everything and that God is in control of this crazy spinning world of mine. Though there are stil some fragments of sadness, I also find that lately, there are more sturdy boulders of faith and hope to lean on. There is also a peace in the midst of all the turmoil. I am able to find that silver lining and trust that there is a plan and direction for me. I don't know what that plan is. I certainly don't know what direction to plant my feet in. But I have faith that all will be revealed soon.
I don't know if many see my blog or choose to follow and read it, but if you do, I pray that if anything, my crazy ramblings bring you hope and the realization that you are not alone in the life's journey. Or at least have a chuckle to yourself and realize that there are people out there that can make you feel normal! (If you need to feel like your not crazy, just come visit me! I'll help make you right as rain! Ha!) But truely, don't lose hope...Don't lose your faith.
Just some thoughts I'm havingon this restless night!
Its funny that certain people always thought I would be just a pee on. Well, it's nice for once to see you sweating the bullets! You see, I hate being peed on, but I also know what goes around comes around and with a little bit of hard work and some good karma, all the sudden I don't seem so weak! I love how you think you can play the emotional cards on me such as "Leaving the love of family and close friends!"...What you don't realize is that I don't care...It's not that I don't care about the love of family and close friends mind you, because I do, it's that all my family and friends are completely supportive and excited for me about this, so trying to use them against me is pointless because I already have "their blessings". I've got the love and support from the people I CARE about! It's just that you think I'm impressionable and naive, but what it has come down to is that I say anything just to shut you up! You think your...
Comments