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The Need to Fit in...Who am I?!?

So I've been here now for a month and a half and bless hubbies heart he has dealt with my bi-polar tendencies like a pro! I have had days where I'm fantastic and days where I'm depressed and not wanting to get out of bed. I've laughed with him, cried and snipped at him and not a single time does that amazing man ever complain or bash me or walk away. How did I get soo lucky!! (LOVE THAT MAN!)

But seriously, it's been a roller coaster of emotions for me. I thought that it would be so easy to fit in and make friends and continue life with some ease but instead I've been a huge container of mixed emotions and depending on what emotional ingredient I put in that day out comes the special flavor of Amber (again, hence the name "one-woman Circus"! LOL!)...and some days aren't as tasty as others! But surprisingly, there have been a lot things about me that I was so sure of that I just don't know of anymore! I never called myself shy, and here I find myself shying away. I get scared and nervous which is not a usual Amber trait either. I get a little depressed and sad when I think about how lonely I am, I do get a little frustrated that I am being this way! What's wrong with me!? Luckily, I know some of this is due to major change and culture shock, but still, I thought I would respond better!.

I've had some identity crises too...In the sense that, people want me to be American, but at the same time they don't you know? I have always been able to to the whole "when in Rome, do as the Romans do" thing, but here it's like I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. I want to be the strong me that I was back in the U.S. But I feel that's looked down on a little. I have to be careful of the jokes I make as it gives me the stereotype of "cocky American" which I'm not. I don't think I'm entitled because of nationality at all! I love culture, I love learning new things, I LOVE seeing the beauty of this world God has made. But I feel like it gets shadowed a lot and maybe I put the pressure on myself, but I feel there is just a lot of observation and scrutiny. Because of this, I feel a lot like I'm on the outside looking in...or just different, people don't understand me and I so desperately want them to...and to see me as the caring, fun, positive person I am.

I know I shouldn't care so much about what others think, but it's hard when your kind of an odd duck to begin with and your lonely, etc. but where I need to find a balance is that trying to hard vs. acting like I don't care. Some people I'm just so natural with, but others are a little harder. I just need to remember that me being me is the best I can do and I shouldn't be ashamed of it!

Those positive feelings are starting to return for me. But it's because I'm choosing to face situations straight on rather than hide from them. I find that by facing those fears, the world isn't as scary as I thought!...At least not till I start driving lessons next Tuesday! Brits better stay off the ride next week for safety reasons! Just sayin'! ;)

Comments

Anonymous said…
I know that you can do this because you're stronger than you realize. Change takes time. When Gene and I moved to Cali from "small-town" Colorado, we couldn't fit in to save our lives. You'll get there, Love, just keep being you, because if you lose that, then we're all fucked.

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