My place in this world

It's embarrassing to look at this and realize that it's been over a year since I last looked at this. I think realistically, I need to set a goal and actually stick to it. It's like anything in life, diets, meditation, health regimes...What good is it if you aren't sticking to it? It's very easy to get side tracked in life or in my case, distracted. I easily let things distract me. Why is that? The things about writing is that it is such a good way (along with music) to soothe the soul. It's getting all that junk that floats around your brain onto paper (albeit in my case I think the term is "verbal vomit"). Either way, I really should partake more in this soul therapy. I think I would have a few less sick days and flu rashes if I would just let it all out. So what has this last year looked like for me? Work. Too much work honestly and very little life experience. I need to do more with life experience. I get caught up in this sort of "rat race" life where I try to be competitive and work my way up the ladder. How's it going you ask? Crap. It's all crap. I hate it, but I want it. I can't seem to have it which then knocks my self-confidence. I know at some point I will find my stride. My place in this world, but right now, it's all a bit of a mess. I'm sitting here today, home sick from work. A disgusting wad of snot and flu rashes all over my body that both itch and burn at the same time. I've been sleeping most of the day and contemplating my purpose in life. There's an old Micheal W. Smith song (Yes friends, I am going to get very early 90's ballad cheesy on you!) called "Place in this world" to which I think sums up my life nicely: "looking for a reason, roaming through the night to find my place in this world..." who knew that looking would also come with a LOT of humbling moments? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I want to be a CEO or have any other unrealistic dreams or ambitions. I just want something that I can look forward to and feel fulfilled by. Apparently they call this stage "the dark night of the soul". Sounds a lot more intense then it really is...I think it's probably just a nice way of saying "Your not old enough for menopause, so this is the next best explanation for your crazy!". I think that there is more for me out there. I knew there was more for me with love and found that, now I need to find that "more" in my personal and work life. I think I am not living to my fullest capabilities. I play around with ideas in my head, but at the end of the day I am stumped. I think I am stumped because I lost a lot of my passion. I can't think of anything that I am good at or love to do (unless stuffing my face with food while watching loads of shows and movies count). I love life, I love to get out, exercise, enjoy the company of my friends, etc. But I have no real talent that could be translated into life work. I can't make jewelry, you can see first hand how amazing my writing is...I need a challenge that is going to stir my passion and give me loads of opportunities I've always dreamed of. You know what I love? Travel and experiences. I don't need stuff. I just need to learn the different wonders of the world. I need to get into that...where can I sign up for that? Added bonus for beach time with cocktails! I don't know if any of you have ever felt this same way. I hope that if you had, this entry made you smile and maybe made you feel a little less alone. Here's to being 34 and not knowing what you want to be when you grow up! :)